Monday, July 24, 2017

Hey, Adults: Stop Eating Out in Flip-flops

Hi, friends!

Today I need to talk to you about an awful fashion choice that way too many people make: wearing flip-flops in restaurants.

Before you start working your thumbs into a frenzy, I'm excluding places on the beach (THE SHORE for my local friends). At these places, it's almost required to wear open "shoes," lest you get labeled:

I'm talking about restaurants that are meant for people who wear shirts for most of the day. (Too much? Okay, we'll move on now.)

I realize it's summer, friends. And if you wear flip-flops while you're out and about, good for you. My feet are too gross to be exposed, and I can't really walk right in them, but you keep doing the thing. That is confidence - and coordination - I will never be able to have. And I'm totally okay with that. HOWEVER comma there are places where real shoes are a must. And places where food is served are absolutely at the top of the list.

I don't know what makes you think it's a good plan to have your dirty feet so close to my food, but you need to turn off that part of your brain. Just unplug it and let the "hey let's not be gross" part take center stage for a few hours. "But I showered today! My feet are fine!" They may have been fine when you left the house, but this is what your "fine feet" look like by dinnertime:

And your "super cute" footwear is both not super cute and very thin. Your feet are going commando near my chicken parm and I can't take it anymore. (Also if you ever go commando, don't tell me. I don't need to know how thin the line is between my person and your junk.)

I know by now you may have some questions, so let's address the pair of big ones:

"What if I'm on vacation?" Pack real shoes. As a bonus gripe, wear real shoes on public transit too. Those surfaces are absolutely disgusting and you should never want your bare feet on/that close to them.

"What if the place has outdoor seating?" Then sit out there and eat. If you have to walk through a door to get the food (or go to the bathroom), your feet should be covered. That's why this is one of my favorite signs in life:

If your questions are more complex than that, I'll just repeat: I don't want your nasty feet that close to my food. Period.

So plan ahead, use your brain, and act like an adult for a bit - wear real shoes to dinner!

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